The fear I had leading up to this moment was such an interesting experience. Why would I fear my own mind. I did it though, 10 days of silence.
I was scared of the place my mind would go to without distraction, as a person who had used drugs to escape my mind, a person who had dark thoughts, I was scared. I know now that it was just me overthinking as usual, and our brain is designed to think, we don't have to attach ourselves to every thought to cross our mind and we can train it to think in a better way.
It’s hard to put the experience into words because its so deeply personal but it’s the most profound thing I’ve ever done and honestly believe that if everyone was made to do Vipassana at the age of 21 we would be living in heaven on earth opposed to this hell we currently reside in.
Now I admit that I was hopeless at doing the actual Vipassana meditation technique, however the 4-6am session was always my favorite one of the day. Day 4 was the hardest day for me, I was crying uncontrollably something that made me feel very uncomfortable. That frustration was itching to come out, I was struggling to meditate the thoughts were relentless, I felt like a failure and the only thing that stopped me leaving was my pride. It’s not in my nature to give up, so I stayed.
In Vipassana you are not supposed to talk, touch or make eye contact with anyone however the smile from this one girl, the most beautiful soul I ever met and a hug from another that day was one of the most touching experiences of my life. Humans are designed to love and care, it’s the system that destroys us. We wake up every day and hide our true selves because of an irrational fear of judgement. When you really think about it, who’s the crazy one.
Day 5 was my day; I had the best meditations of the whole Vipassana and I got what I needed to get. Forgiving myself, loving myself and coming to the understanding that a lot of my issues came from my expectations of others, too much living in the past and future and fear of irrational things like judgement and failure. I wasn’t leaving here the same, I was a new me and I was excited to see what was next. My senses had been reset, as had my mind, body and soul. I was like a child wanting to explore the world everything was love and light.
It didn't live long because this is a cruel world but I see the beauty even more, my anger issues have almost gone, unless you know; the level of disrespect is at a certain point, the addiction to drugs has gone and I am able to have a couple of drinks with a limit, something I was told was impossible by many people. I still had some work to do regarding the EX but I was stronger than I'd ever been and I would never go back to who I was before.
A quick note: Just because something worked for me doesn't mean it will be the same for everyone, I had done inner work, courses and things prior to this and had the mindset to heal. This is a very brief summery of my journey and I have lost loved ones to addiction so understand all to well that not everyone can win that battle.
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