The 4th Trimester

This will not be cute, this will not be just all those cute Insta photos, this is the real truth of my experience of the first month of motherhood. (Proceeds to insert cute Insta pic.)

It was hard, even now it’s hard but the first couple months of being a mother was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

The love I have for my son is above everything, putting his life first all the time almost cost me my sanity. I wasn’t ready for those feelings that came, I was more of a catch flights over feelings kinda gal. Waking up in the middle of the night checking he is still breathing, the pure panic with the constant over thinking of what am I doing. I really had no idea and that scared me.

I always say the physical side of the baby you know the cute bits that you only ever think of during the pregnancy like bath time, that is the easy bit. It's all those small thing that make it absolutely worth every second. The kisses, the cuddles, the giggles nothing will ever feel as good as holding your baby. To this day the best sound in the world is my boy chuckling. However, the lack of sleep, mixed with hormones is a whole mess, that’s why they encourage you to breast feed, it’s not just for the baby it will help regulate the hormones and help you gain your pre pregnancy body back. However they end up eating nothing but chips by the time they are 3, so not to worry.

Our minds and bodies are so powerful and designed in a certain way but having a baby grow inside you will throw you off balance, it will be a struggle to find it again for some of us.

So not only was I dealing with all these emotions, I was also having to quickly learn a new culture. Having a holiday or even travelling is great but you will never truly know the depths of culture unless you marry in one. I was very naïve, Indian families have a structure, a system and many practices that have been passed down centuries. So, my Mother in Law just took on her role as Grandma, which I perceived as taking my child away from me. I already had problematic attachment issues and it really made me look at that.  My Son really took my inner journey to a whole new level, looking at it now I’m grateful for the life lessons and experience, I’m even more grateful to my Mother in Law for taking me into her family,. The help I didn’t appreciate at the time will never be forgotten, someone cooking and cleaning for you when you feel like a lost soul, someone to watch the baby so I could go for a coffee every morning with the team was a blessing. I didn’t appreciate it at the time because anyone who knows me knows I’m a stubborn independent woman who has done everything for myself since I was a young child, so it was new to me.

A month in and I had no choice, I felt trapped, lost and alone but I understood it was just feelings and they pass, sometimes quicker than others. I got hold of a friend who was running a meditation 6-week course and it was my saving grace back to center, back to sanity.

Within that whirlwind of emotion, there were some of the best moments of my life. Being able to go through all that in one of the most beautiful places, raising my baby on the beach surrounded by people who adore him was everything. I’d do it all again tomorrow just to know he is safe and loved.